CWAHD.com

Have you ever considered what it means to be
an intentional parent? Have you thought about what hangs in the balance?
Fourteen years of parenting, reading countless books and listening to the sage
of advice of many who walked the parenting path before me has taught me much.
Ironically, what stands out the most is how much there is left to learn about
being an effective parent and how often I still miss the mark. Hitting the mark
is tough even in the best of circumstances; with work, after-school activities,
help with homework and other personal demands the bulls eye looks awfully small
and so far away. Maybe you can relate. One thing is clear to me — effective
parenting is not something that easily comes. It takes great effort and it takes
intentionality. The effort part is for another discussion, but what about
intentionality?

An intentional parent is not a perfect parent
(none of us fall into that category); rather, it is a parent who has “mentally
determined upon some action or result related to parenting.” The key is
“mentally determined” since every good habit starts with a mental decision. I
don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a single good habit I have that just
happened. An intentional parent is an “on purpose” parent.

As parents, our greatest tendency is to react
to our children rather than plan in advance. To complicate it even further, we
acknowledge this tendency yet do little about it. What does this say about us as
parents? The question we need to grapple with is why do we tend to continue down
the same unintentional path? There are at least three practical reasons I have
identified in my own life that make it difficult for me to be an intentional
parent: vision, know-how and accountability. See if you can identify with any of
them.

Our biggest obstacle starts in the mind — we
simply don’t take the time to contemplate what hangs in the balance. To state it
another way, we really have not taken the time to understand and embrace what is
gained and what is lost by investing in our children as intentional parents.
Most of us would agree, upon reflection, more is to be gained by taking an
intentional approach to parenting our children. So, action step number one for
becoming an intentional parent is to imagine what you want your relationship to
be like with your child and what his or her relationships will be like with
others once your child has reached adulthood. Add to that the legacy you want to
leave and you start to catch a glimpse of what hangs in the
balance.

I imagine my children growing up one day and
investing their lives in their own family and those around them. Can that happen
if I never invest time with them? Of course, but chances are they will be more
apt to do it and more effective at it if I invest in them as young children.
When Emily, our now 11 year old, was younger and wanted to play Old Maid when
the football game was on, my first thought was “not during the game.” As I look
back now, I can say some of my funniest and fondest memories were playing a
simple card game like Old Maid with our girls. It is amazing what you can teach
a child about life during a basic game of Old Maid.

Our next challenge is lack of know-how. We
have very little idea of what an intentional parent looks or acts like. In
short, we are missing a plan. It is a bit like driving in a foreign country
without a map or directions of any sort. You may eventually reach the
destination but the frustration and loss of time makes the journey miserable and
it is rarely worth the price. The solution is easy but it takes time. Research,
read, utilize resources like Focus on the
Family and survey your friends, especially those with grown children. One
good resource can launch your journey to becoming an intentional parent. For me,
it was a book by Tim Kimmel entitled Legacy of Love.

Being an intentional parent requires changing
your strategy and approach as your child changes. If you are like I was early in
my parenting I wanted to discover the know-how or “program” that worked,
implement it and expect everything to fall neatly into place. I soon discovered
the “neatly into place” part was a hurdle. I remember one particular airplane
ride before we had our first daughter, Nicole. I was stuck next to a screaming
child; you know, the one who never stops screaming the entire flight. I still
hear myself saying, “I can’t believe they are not able to control their child.
My child will never act like that in public.” Famous last words, right? Fast
forward to my first airplane ride with Nicole when she was about six months old.
It was a piece of cake — not a peep out of her the entire time. Everyone was so
complimentary and a proud Dad I was. I had the program figured out or so I
thought until my second airplane ride with Nicole near her one year birthday. To
say it was miserable and embarrassing would be an understatement. From the time
the plane took off she started screaming and I was reduced to a helpless Dad —
duped by a one year old. Some program on “how you should act in public” I had!
My child had changed — it was time for a new strategy.

Once you have your vision and plan in place
you are faced with implementation. Every parent understands the daily challenges
of raising a child as life speeds by us like a NASCAR race. In my own life it is
here in the daily battle that I have discovered the importance of
accountability. My wife is the best intentional parent I know. She made a
decision early in the lives of our children (Nicole is 14 and Emily is 11) to
empower her friends to hold her accountable in her role as an intentional
mother. As a result, when inertia begins to pull her away from intentional
parenting her friends remind her of the vision, the plan and of what hangs in
the balance. This accountability enables her to course correct and to escape
falling “out of the habit” of intentional parenting. Who have you allowed into
the center of your life to ask you the difficult questions and to challenge you
to be an intentional parent?

Having a vision with know-how and even
accountability means nothing unless and until we act. Actions require
energy and time which, for busy people, always feels in short supply. If
you are like me, fear and self-centeredness are oftentimes a big hindrance to
being an intentional parent. A sense of scarcity and the lack of understanding
of the consequences of inaction allow fear and self-centeredness to rule and
block our otherwise good intentions. What will I need to give up in the way of
time and energy to deliver in this area of my life? What will it cost me
personally? It takes courage to be an intentional parent. So, what do you think
— is it worth your child’s future and your legacy to become an intentional
parent? Will you muster the courage it takes to impact a
life?

I know what you are thinking — where are all
of the action steps, the secrets, the plan? Well, right now Emily needs help
with her homework so more on the know-how will need to wait. Keep your eye out
for the next article at www.CourageTheMonkey.com.
Intentional parenting calls.

Copyright
© 2006, Mark T. Jordan. All rights reserved.