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It’s March Madness time and right now we are divided between UCLA and Kansas as a possible NCAA Champion. It’s getting pretty heated up about now.

While all these games are going on, I received a very serious letter from a friend who has a friend going through a divorce. I don’t know any more devastating experience in life than this very subject (not even the death of a spouse). My friend has the wonderful opportunity to turn March Madness in his friend’s life into a wonderful opportunity to minister healing to a hurting and broken brother (As Isaiah reminds us, "A bruised reed He will not break… a smoldering wick He will not snuff out").

I want you to know what I told this friend that he could share with his friend about turning this sorrow and confusion about divorce into something quite different. It all starts with a new attitude on the part of both spouses. If your relationship isn’t working then by all means get rid or it — but don’t get rid of your spouse. Change relationships; not spouses is the short form.



Why? Divorce ultimately solves nothing. Both of you will bring your same problems into the next marriage. Divorce is an option that creates more problems that it solves: statistically speaking the second marriage has even a smaller percentage chance of succeeding than the first. Divorce punishes the innocent: the true victims of divorce are the children. We as adults can always supposedly find another spouse but our kids can never find another mom or dad. Not like the one they just lost to divorce. Just ask a 30 or 40 or 50 year old man or woman whose parents divorced when they were young– chances are they are still grieving the loss (and always will).

The particular issues surrounding the divorce, while relevant, are actually secondary in importance to the real cause. The real cause of divorce is always the same — at least one, if not two hard hearts.

Jesus explained this as the cause of all marital breakdowns in Matthew 19:8 "Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning."

The good news is this: if hardened hearts destroy a marriage… softened hearts can heal one — every time, everywhere and with every one. (Please understand one softened heart can start the healing process — but it will ultimately take two softened hearts for reconciliation to occur.)

Your hearts were damaged and hardened long before you ever met. As my friend John Regier says, "None of us can change another person’s personality after age 20. So the problems you encounter with a person’s heart were already in place before you even married." In other words you did not create your mate’s heart issues so much as you inherited them.

Because your hearts were hurting and damaged you eventually learned how to step on each other’s pain with remarkable accuracy and effectiveness. Then, added to their pain, was the sinful response you inflicted on each other. As that process continued the pain of living together as a married couple became greater than the prospect of living apart — thus the divorce.

The answer is for the two of you to come back together in a spirit of humility and let God show you the reasons you have damaged and hardened hearts - and then let His grace and forgiveness heal you. This will inevitably involve forgiving the people from your past who hurt you. It will also require forgiving people from your present — including each other.

You will need to confess the fundamental sin problem of pride — the pride that says my pain is more important than yours. You will need to call sin - sin. You will need to ask Jesus to give you a heart of flesh to replace a heart of stone. You will need to commit to caring about each other’s heart as much, if not more, than you care about your own.

Again, the maddening problem is the relationship, not the other person. Change your relationship and suddenly you are married to a new person. That’s one reason why Jesus advised against divorce, "What God has joined together let not man separate."

Even though you are divorced (if you aren’t remarried) it’s not too late to get back together. The Word of God promises us, "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)."

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