May 11th, 2008Mothers Are NOT Human!!!
(This is what moms look like on the inside)
By Nick Higgins
I’ve realized something about women: during child birth when the fetus leaves the body something amazing and indescribable happens. Right about the time when the doctor tosses the slimy, still attached and bloody baby on the mother’s stomach like a proud fisherman tossing his catch into a boat to get a good look at it, something changes in a woman’s genetic makeup. Her DNA, like, transubstantiates its molecular structure into that of some sort of half-human, half-mutant-superhero chick. All of a sudden they know and can do everything!
“Honey, where’s the glue?”
“It’s in the coffee table drawer from two months ago when you tried to hide the fact that you broke the vase by unsuccessfully gluing it back together and eventually just buying one identical to it and replacing it.”
How did she know about that? I’m not kidding, they become like a Shaolin Monk, completely aware of everything in their surroundings.
“Drive around to the other side of the mall. Someone is leaving and a spot will be open in the front.”
“Yes, dear.”
One time I realized it had been a while since my wife and I had been out on a date. I love my and appreciate my wife so much! She takes such good care of our home! But, she’s always in Mommy-mode with our little boy and being pregnant with another one I noticed she could probably use a night out on the town. So being the hopeless romantic that I am I told her, “baby, get your dancing shoes on, we’re going out tonight…to Applebee’s…for half-priced appetizers…and we can’t afford a sitter.”
So, we went out with some friends and we were having a good time when suddenly our son, Judah, starts choking on a French fry. His little face started turning red and his eyes started watering. Being the man that I am, I sat there frozen in panic-it takes a little longer for the “dad changes” to take place. You know, the pot belly and receding hairline.- As calm as can be, my wife grabs him out of his seat and starts the whole “Aim him down and smack him on the back” trick. Not wanting to be rude, she is continuing to listen to the story that our friend wasn’t even sure if they should still be telling at this point and she is smiling and nodding in polite conversational etiquette.
Meanwhile, she realizes the French fry is not coming out and goes into “Manual Tracheal Obstruction Extraction Mode” and reaches her fingers down his throat and pulls the deep fried piece of potato out and casually sets it on a napkin. Literally as she does this the waitress, completely unaware of the near death experience we just evaded, and my freshly soiled pair of pants, strolls up and asks, “Is everyone doing okay? Can I get you anything?” As my wife nonchalantly returns our son to his high chair she asks for another Mango Lemonade and, like nothing ever happened, restarts the conversation by asking, “So, did you go with the 5 year ARM or the 30 year fixed?”
I’m telling you, mothers are not human! Happy mother’s day to all you moms out there.
About the Author: Nick Higgins is a husband, father, and pastor
who also runs GodlyDads– A blog about being a Christian father.
