Winning Roles

Several years ago I offered to take the checkbook back from my husband. Twelve months earlier our youngest son had been experiencing countless sleepless nights, along with numerous other challenges. Realizing I was overwhelmed, my husband had taken over the checkbook and all of its correlating duties to relieve me of some stress.

A year later our son had begun sleeping much better and, consequently, so was I.

I felt better able to take back the responsibility of bookkeeper of the family. On this particular day when I suggested the transition, my husband hesitated and said, “Just a minute.”

I watched him sit down at the dining room table, grab a calculator and start tapping on the buttons. He would look quietly at the checkbook register, scratch his head, mumble something meant only for his ears, and begin tapping on the various buttons again. After witnessing this disturbing scene for a while, I asked him, “Is there something wrong?”

“Well, the balance doesn’t seem to be coming out right,” he replied.

Remaining calm, I inquired, “When was the last time you balanced it?”

“Balanced it?” he questioned.

With growing concern, I explained, “We get a statement from the bank, with their name in the upper lefthand corner, every month. When was the last time you balanced the checkbook with the monthly bank statement?”

Now seeming to understand what I was talking about, he said, “Oh, those! I never opened them. They’re all in your file labeled Bank Statements.”

With that declaration, I was no longer sitting quietly in the next room. I entered the dining room and stared in amazement at my husband, and I slipped down into one of the nearby chairs. He quickly came around the table and knelt at my feet, his hands clasped together in prayerful pleading, “Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything you want. I’m sorry.”

No longer feeling sympathetic, I demanded, “Go borrow me a calculator with tape…and bring me some chocolate!”

So, why did this shock me to such a degree? First of all, I was astounded (and grateful) we hadn’t bounced any checks for the year. Second, it cemented my thinking that my husband, who typically doesn’t pay attention to detail, is not naturally suited to the day-to-day financial aspect of our lives. Third, something was niggling at the back of my mind, did I have the right to demand actions from my husband? Traditionally, isn’t he supposed to be the one in charge? Isn’t he supposed to be the one who has the final say, who wins out, so to speak, in these circumstances?

Part of the process of melding two lives together is not easy. “The two shall become one” does not mean one individual calls all the shots and has all the control in the relationship. For us, that melding process involves constantly discovering strengths and weaknesses and assigning roles in the marriage accordingly. It really shouldn’t be about whose ideas or actions wins.

My husband is a patient, proficient painter. I have never painted a room in my life. Probably never will. Do I feel bad about that? Not in this lifetime. He’s also good at fixing cars, working on household projects, landscaping, and being a fantastic father to our five children. Likewise, my husband doesn’t feel too badly about me paying the bills and working the budget.

At the time of our Checkbook Incident No. 593, we were in a unique situation because of the stress on us at the time. I had relinquished control in an area that was naturally my strength. I also gave it to him without any guidelines or instructions. If ever allowed, I doubt I would ever be able to paint a wall without explicit instructions in this house. My husband’s lack of attention to handling of the checkbook wasn’t totally on his shoulders. I had a part in it, too.

Life is constantly changing and shifting. We need to be able to adapt and change our roles accordingly.

It took me most of the day, but I did get that year’s entire checkbook register gone over and eventually balanced. I think I was off by $2.38. Previous to this incident, I had always insisted on finding every error—even if only a nickel—but this time, I decided it could have been a whole lot worse, and wrote it off. Of course, my husband offered to pay me the $2.38 difference in cash. I tried to explain to him it just wasn’t the same.

If nothing else, I have learned to be less of a dictator with the checkbook in all this. In the whole scheme of things, did a nickel really matter? I was learning to keep the role of bookkeeper, but I was also changing. I was learning to be compassionate. I guess my husband did win out in this after all.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sandy McKeown is a contributing author to Laundry Tales to Lighten Your Load, One Year Life Verse Devotional, and Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover’s Soul. She is a regular columnist for Christian Work At Home Moms and speaks frequently to audiences, helping them discover today’s difficulties aren’t a life sentence, just a season of life. Sandy can be reached through her website at www.sandymckeown.com.