Archive for Humor
Overstuffed and No One to Blame
Posted by: | CommentsI am sitting in my overstuffed chair and if I never get up it will be a day too soon. Even if I did, I do not know what I would do. Right now, breathing is zapping me of any energy I have left. It is so bad I have to coordinate thinking between breathing.
Thanksgiving dinner at the Parsonage was a tremendous success. If by success, you mean stuffing yourself so much that you can barely move.
The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage outdid herself with the cooking and I outdid myself in the fine art of consumption. That is why we are such a great team. We complement ourselves so very well. She is good in one thing and I am equally good in the thing related to that one thing.
As I sit here in my chair alternating between breathing and thinking, I am thinking on how much energy leads up to that one spectacular Thanksgiving Day dinner. And the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage spared no energy in the production of this year’s extravaganza. In the middle of the table was a finely roasted turkey surrounded by all the condiments. If anything was missing on the table, nobody missed it.
Being the marital partner in this food frenzy, I spared no energy in consuming as much of the dinner fare as I possibly could. I must admit, even after sufficiently filled, my eating momentum carried me on to several more rounds of turkey. I know that third piece of pumpkin pie was not absolutely necessary. But oh, was it delicious.
Not one of those store bought pies that tastes more like cardboard then anything else, this was one of those homemade pies. Therefore, as not to insult the chef, I indulged in that third piece of pumpkin pie with as much relish as the first piece.
I really don’t know how she does it, but the third piece tasted just as delicious as the first piece.
For 364 days out of the year, my wife oversees the diet program she thinks I’m on. It does me no harm for her to think so, and so I let her. She does not need to know how many Apple fritters I eat. But on this one day of the year, all dietary restrictions and oversight are thrown out the kitchen window. This is why they call it Thanksgiving day.
Some people refer to it as Turkey Day. I certainly do not give thanks to any old Tom Turkey and I’m suspicious of people who talk to turkeys anyway.
Getting back to my overstuffed condition, I’m trying to find someone to blame. I sure would like to blame my wife for being such the terrific cook she is. I made such a suggestion and she retorted with, “Well, you didn’t have to eat everything on the table.”
In a way, there is a small bit of truth in what she says. I did not have to eat everything on the table. In my own defense, I herewith confess that I did not eat everything on the table. What I did eat, however, I did so with exceptional gusto. Like the old saying, you only go around once in life. And after Thanksgiving dinner, I am more round than I was before.
Since I cannot blame my good wife for my overindulgence on Thanksgiving Day, I have decided the blame rests upon the other family members around the table. They certainly share a certain culpability. If we were not having so much fun around the table, I might have paid more attention to how much I was eating.
Also, and this is no small matter, someone either to my right or to my left was always asking to pass the turkey. Since I am such a man of manners, it would be bad manners on my part not to take a piece of turkey as it passed my way. If only they would not have passed it so much I may not have eaten so much.
I mumbled something like this to my wife who said, “Didn’t you ever hear of self-discipline?”
I have heard of it but have never really applied it to the dinner table. Her inference, if I understood her correctly, was I need to use a little more self-discipline when it came to eating.
In going my rounds of blaming people for my present condition, I have struck out in every area. There does not seem to be any person for me to blame.
It was at this point when my wife came to my aid.
“Instead of trying to find someone to blame for overeating, why not go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.”
Ha, there was something I did not think of. The mirror is responsible for all my overeating. What a relief to find someone, or something, to blame for my present condition. I never would have thought of the mirror, myself. But then, my wife should know.
I then thought of some Scripture. “For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.” Galatians 6:8 (KJV).
A little thought nudged me, if I was as indulgent in my spiritual life as I was in my physical life, I probably would be a much better person.
##
The Rev. James L. Snyder is pastor of the Family of God Fellowship, 1471 Pine Road, Ocala, FL 34472. He lives with his wife, Martha, in Silver Springs Shores. Call him at 352-687-4240 or e-mail jamessnyder2@att.net. The church web site is www.whatafellowship.com.
Thanksgiving Quandary: Roast Turkey or Lame Duck
Posted by: | CommentsRev. James L. Snyder
My father used to tell me that anything worth doing was worth doing right the first time. If you have time to do it the second time, you should have time to do it right the first time.
As fathers go, he was right. It seems most people have not learned this lesson, least of all politicians who are supposedly serving the interests of their constituency. I know there are good politicians in America today. Nobody seems to know who they are, though.
The reason I have been thinking about this is, I’m sitting here indulging in the delicate scent floating in from the kitchen where the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage has begun her ritual of roasting the Thanksgiving turkey. I say turkey but really, she is roasting three turkeys. One is for our family Thanksgiving dinner and the other two are for the church Thanksgiving dinner.
Somewhere along the line, probably years before she met me, she learned the magnificent secret of doing things right the first time. Not like some people we hear of these days who don’t have time to do it right the first time but seem to have plenty of time to do it over and over again, sometimes four times.
Anything worth doing right the first time demands planning. If anyone knows planning, it certainly is my wife. If things were left up to me, nothing would ever get done. I plan to learn how to plan someday but my plans seem to have fallen apart.
At our home, it begins about the middle of October when my wife says rather pensively, “Let’s see. Thanksgiving is about five weeks away. Should we have a turkey this year?”
I could not tell if this was a real question, a rhetorical question or if she is trying to set me up for something. Believe me; I’ve been set up so many times I have a hard time lying down. For the first hundred years of our marriage I always said, turkey. After all, what else do you have at Thanksgiving time?
However, this year was a little different. When I responded with my usual answer she said, “But we’ve had turkey for years. Aren’t you getting tired of turkey?”
If there’s one thing I don’t ever get tired of it’s turkey. You can do so many things with turkey. There is roast turkey, sliced turkey sandwiches, turkey salad and turkey soup just to name a few.
The only problem at our house is, the turkey rarely survives the first day, which is a tribute, not so much to our consumption as a family as to the genius of the family chef. I have often wondered what turkey soup really tastes like.
This expertise in the direction of the Thanksgiving roast turkey did not come without cost. It took years for my wife to master the art of roasting a turkey. Unfortunately, much of this practice was on Yours Truly. She has been roasting me for years and still complains that I’m not quite done yet. That really burns me up.
Only last week she complained I was a little hard on the outside and rather soft on the inside. I was tempted to shift the blame on her but when it comes to this area; I am more of a lame duck then a finely roasted turkey. My philosophy is along these lines, I’d rather let things happen and then try to adjust to the consequences.
My good wife is of the opinion that you create your own consequences. Moreover, when she says this she is usually looking at me a little askew.
“Don’t you know that the Thanksgiving Turkey does not roast itself?”
Being the lame duck I am, that thought never played with my mind. I have always enjoyed the results of the roasted turkey without a thought about how it got to my table.
While I was enjoying the aroma of the turkey roasting in the kitchen, I came up with several suggestions along these lines.
First, I need to find things that are worth doing in the first place. How much time I have wasted on things not really worth my time or effort is beyond my computation. Like my wife, I need to be a little more picky about the things I choose to do. Not everything is worth my time.
Second, those things worth doing certainly deserve my best efforts. If I have to redo something, it means I’m not putting my best effort into the project. And at my age, I don’t have time to waste on things that are not worth my best effort.
Third, there is no finer satisfaction than a job well done.
I never understood this until recently. In the middle of our Thanksgiving dinner when everybody is enjoying the food and complementing the chef, my wife is sitting in her chair smiling. I never knew why until now.
This must be how our heavenly Father felt with Jesus at his baptism. “And the Holy Ghost descended in a bodily shape like a dove upon him, and a voice came from heaven, which said, Thou art my beloved Son; in thee I am well pleased.” (Luke 3:22 KJV).
The best way to celebrate Thanksgiving is to recognize the wonderful work God has done for our salvation, which did not come without the ultimate cost, the sacrifice of His Son.
The Rev. James L. Snyder is pastor of the Family of God Fellowship, 1471 Pine Road, Ocala, FL 34472. He lives with his wife, Martha, in Silver Springs Shores. Call him at 352-687-4240 or e-mail jamessnyder2@att.net. The church web site is www.whatafellowship.com.
Something Old and Something Deliciously New
Posted by: | CommentsNobody hates change more than Yours Truly. I do not even like change jingling in my trouser pocket. After all, I lived long enough and have seen enough change that I do not care to see anymore. Some may accuse me of living in a rut, but it is my rut and I am quite comfortable, thank you.
Well, most of the time.
Even though I am on a strict diet, I still find on occasion that I must eat my words. And such is the case of the aforementioned statement. However, there is some change that I, even I, can believe in.
For weeks, or has it been years, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage has been complaining about her stove. I did not enter in to this complaining about the stove, even though it was a very delicious temptation. After all, she is the one who bought this stove in the first place. And, it took her months to quit raving about how wonderful her new stove was.
But things have a way of changing.
Every now and then, I would hear, “This stove drives me crazy. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it.”
Being the astute professional husband that I am, I declined entering into this banter about the stove. After all, the less I have to do with the kitchen area of our domicile the happier I am.
Then it happened, as all things are wont to happen. For some reason my wife could not turn off the stove. Common courtesy prevents me from repeating the lively conversation my wife had with the stove in question. What I can repeat is, she had run out of patience with this old stove. Consequently, she threatened the stove that if it did not shape up and work properly, she would replace it with something newer and better. She emphasized the word “better.”
Now, I was concerned. Changing out the old stove with a new stove represented a lot of work and inconvenience on all parties. Not to mention lots of dough. I convinced her to give the stove one more chance.
Scowling at the stove she said, “OK, but this is the last straw.”
A few days later, I came home and things had changed… for the worst. Contrary to the abovementioned warning, the stove did no such thing as shaping up. It still sat there refusing to turn itself off or allowing someone else to turn it off. In fact, my wife had pulled the stove completely out of its place and unplugged it.
“I’m done with the old stove and I’m getting a new one,” she said with a tone of finality.
There is a time and place to discuss everything but this was neither the time nor the place to discuss a new stove. In fact, the new stove had already been ordered and was on its way. Discussion ended.
Later that week the new stove had arrived and my wife was trying it out. I was in my chair reading a book when I smelled something from the kitchen. Then my wife appeared with a cookie on a napkin and said to me, “Here, try this cookie to see if it’s all right.”
You are familiar with looking a gift horse in the mouth? I eagerly consumed the cookie and remarked that it tasted quite delicious.
“I burned that batch of cookies. I’m trying to find out how this convection oven works.”
A few minutes later she came in with another cookie and requested, “Try this one and see if it’s any better.”
I do not mean to brag, and I sure do not want to pat myself on the back, but I could see a theme developing. I knew that my wife would not stop making cookies until she had it just right.
“This cookie,” I said rather thoughtfully, “is a little better than the last one.”
She whirled around and headed back to the kitchen and her new convection oven to try out a new batch of cookies.
“This is okay but there does seem to be something missing,” I mused with the next batch of cookies.
All afternoon the cookies flowed in my direction and I, being the cookie aficionado that I am, gave her my best advice. I curiously enough, detected the least little problem with each one. She was getting so close to perfection.
My wife being so interested and committed to mastering her brand-new convection oven had forgotten the house rules, the one that she made up namely, one cookie per month for me. I had just consumed enough cookies for the next 10 years. I was willing to break the rules just to help her in her new project. That’s the kind of guy I am.
Later that evening, I am glad to say, she had mastered her new convection oven as well as her cookie recipe. I, on the other hand, had a new appreciation of all things new. Sometimes change can be beneficial.
The Bible speaks of change. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV).
Many people like to hang on to the old, even though it is not working and is actually dragging them down. Christ offers change. Real change. Change you can really believe in.
##
The Rev. James L. Snyder is pastor of the Family of God Fellowship, 1471 Pine Road, Ocala, FL 34472. He lives with his wife, Martha, in Silver Springs Shores. Call him at 352-687-4240 or e-mail jamessnyder2@att.net. The church web site is www.whatafellowship.com.
My Wish For Super Powers
Posted by: | Comments
Do you ever wish that you had a super power? My son, who was 4 at the time, told me not long ago that when he gets to heaven, he’s going to ask God for super powers … specifically, “laser eyes.”
I’m not sure that I’d want laser eyes (sound painful!), but maybe the power to control things – my life, my kids, my housework. 
This week, though, I’ve been wishing that I had the power to get it all done. So many days I feel as if I need an extra 3 or 4 hours just to accomplish the day to day tasks of life.
What super power would you choose?
As I pondered super powers and the word “Power,” I realized that although it is many times defined using words like “strength” or “might,” in Jesus we see another definition of power. He IS power in the true sense of the word. Even when he humbled Himself to be human, He didn’t use power to destroy or to have control over mankind. He was the embodiment of power, yet the power that He exemplified was a power of servanthood.
Jesus exerted power over Satan in the gospels simply by speaking the Word of God. These truths were powerful enough to overcome the temptations of the devil. Satan may have power in this world, power over the physical, but he has no power other than what God has granted him (consider Job).
We also see many examples of power being shown in god-fearing people throughout Scripture. People who knew and walked with the Lord had true power. Joshua brought down the walls of the fortified city of Jericho simply by trusting God. Noah saved his family from a flood that killed off the rest of humankind by believing and obeying God. The list goes on and on. These people may not have had physical prowess, but they had power in the spiritual sense.
We are told in Scripture that believers are given a spirit of power through Christ:
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
If we have placed our trust in Christ, we have the power to overcome sin, to love others and to allow God to guide and direct us. Even if we never gain super powers in the physical sense, we already have them through Christ – with Him on our side we know TRUE power.
–
Jill Hart’s entrepreneurial career began in her teens when she spent a summer working with her father who ran his own business. When he put her in charge of a Coke machine and allowed her to keep the profits, she saw the benefits of being her own boss. She is the founder of the popular Christian work-at-home website CWAHM.com and mentors business owners at http://SuccessfulChristianWomen.com. Jill is also the co-author of So You Want To Be a Work-at-Home Mom (Beacon Hill Press).
Loco pastor burns his hand in loud protest
Posted by: | CommentsBy Rev. James L. Snyder
Every now and then, a thought enters my mind. Once inside my mind, it endures a lonely existence and rattles around long enough to morph into something quite different when it comes out than what went in.
I am not quite sure when this thought entered my mind, but when it came out of my mind it induced me to surprise my wife with a barbecue supper. When this thought first raised its head, I was pleasantly surprised that I, on my very own, could come up with such a good idea.
The key to this surprised barbecue supper was not letting my wife know about it. I must admit that I am not very successful when it comes to covert operations. I do not think my wife is psychic, but she seems to know what I am going to do before I actually do it. This has helped me out of many embarrassing situations.
The more I thought about this, the more the idea please me. My wife has been working hard lately and I thought she about needed a nice little surprise from Yours Truly. I was the man for the job.
I had to plan this operation down to the last second. I knew at the outset this would be difficult, but the payoff would be well worth it.
I knew my wife was going to be out of town for most of the day, which gave me plenty of time to put my plan into action.
The first thing on my agenda was to go to the grocery store and buy all the necessary ingredients for my barbecue. This was going to be a barbecue to end all barbecues. I love it when a plan comes together.
I bought some wonderful looking steaks, sweet potatoes for roasting (my wife loves sweet potatoes), and equal portions of potato salad and coleslaw.
“Having a barbecue?” the cashier said with a smile that almost touched behind her head.
“Yea, I am surprising my wife with a barbecue supper.”
“You have any charcoal for your grill?”
Whoops, that was not on my list, but I am sure glad she mentioned it. I went back, got a bag of charcoal and brought it up to the cashier. As she was ringing it up she said, “Do you have enough lighter fluid to get all of the charcoal burning?”
Whoops, that was not on my list either. I ran back and got a can of lighter fluid for the charcoal.
Everything seemed to be in order, I paid the cashier and as I headed for the door, I was whistling a familiar tune.
It was a long time since I had done anything like this, and I was rather proud of myself for thinking it up all by myself. It only goes to show what a person can do when they think about something.
It took some doing, but I finally extracted the barbecue grill from the back corner of the garage and set it up on the back patio. The steaks are really going to be good tonight, I thought to myself. Is my wife ever going to be surprised.
Another key to this whole surprise element was time. I wanted to time it so that when my wife came through the door she would smell the barbecue burning. The first thing I needed to do was get the barbecue grill working in fine order. I assembled what I consider to proper amount of charcoal on the grill set the bag down and picked up the can of lighter fluid.
While I was working, I begin to muse within myself and thought that barbecue grilling comes natural to a man. Many things we may not be able to do, but when it comes to a barbecue grill, a man is a man. I splashed a little lighter fluid on the charcoal and commenced to strike a match. Nothing.
I struck another match and had the same results. With a little bit of panic I looked at my watch and knew that my wife would be coming home soon. I struck another match and still the charcoal did not light. I sprinkled a little more lighter fluid on the charcoal and struck another match. Nothing.
I was beginning to run out of time. I took the lighter fluid and emptied the entire can on my charcoal and as I did it, I heard my wife’s car come into the driveway. I knew I had to fly into action now.
I struck the match and touched it to the charcoal and the last thing I remember was a flash of light and a terrible exploding noise in my ears. Then I felt pain. Pain in my right hand.
I looked at my right hand and saw that it was aflame and burning rather nicely. Then my wife came through the back door onto the patio just in time to see me dance and yell like a banshee.
The charcoal in the grill was all ablaze and my right hand burning out-of-control my wife had the audacity to look at me and say, “Whatcha you doing?”
As we were eating our potato salad and coleslaw, I thought of a Bible verse.
“Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.” (1 Corinthians 10:12 KJV).
My problem is I think too much.
##
The Rev. James L. Snyder is pastor of the Family of God Fellowship, 1471 Pine Road, Ocala, FL 34472. He lives with his wife, Martha, in Silver Springs Shores. Call him at 352-687-4240 or e-mail jamessnyder2@att.net. The church web site is www.whatafellowship.com.
Has anyone seen my Castle lately?
Posted by: | CommentsBy Rev. James L. Snyder
As of late, I have been fighting an insufferable barrage of intruders into that area commonly referred to as, “My Castle.” Normally I’m not a pessimist, but I have a feeling I am losing this battle.
I’m the kind of person that tries to get along with everybody but I must say I do have my limit. Regardless of what else I may have, I have a limit to intrusion into my Castle.
This all came to a head one day this week when the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage spent the afternoon shopping with her daughters. I always look forward to these times because then I can be King of the Castle. Don’t tell anyone, but I have a special hat I wear on such occasions.
My wife came home from her shopping only to find that her beloved husband had turned into a blubbering, raging maniac of the first-order. She is the kind of woman that deserves the first in everything, and brother, did she get it this day.
When she got her bearing, she looked at me and said, “What in the world is wrong with you? I go shopping and return and find you in this awful state of mind. What has happened?”
It took a few moments for me to collect anything that resembled sanity and a few more moments for me to regain volume in the speech department. Even so, I stuttered terribly. Finally, after some deep breathing exercises, I was able to talk.
“While you were gone,” I stammered, “that telephone has not stopped ringing for a moment.”
“Who’s been calling you?” She asked trying to calm me.
“It’s been one phone call right after another, and I don’t think I can stand any more of it.” Read More→
Can I get an “Amen” for that?
Posted by: | CommentsBy Rev. James L. Snyder
I must admit that I am not always right. Of course, I did not understand the dynamics of this until after entering marital bliss. Sometimes it takes a major change in your life to awaken you to the truth. Although I may not always be right, I’m willing to “fess up” to it when somebody graciously points this out to me.
Fortunately, for me, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage has made this the supreme priority of her life. And I must say, I am all the better for it. I, on the other hand, have made “fessing up,” the supreme priority of my life. This has made for a wonderful team.
Most people don’t know when they’re wrong. Nobody tells them about it so they just go their way in the wrong direction doing the wrong thing.
I take comfort in the unexpressed fact that I may not always be right, but then, on the other hand, I’m not always wrong either.
I didn’t fully understand how this affected me personally until an incident happened this past week. It’s funny how one little incident can bring your entire world into sharp perspective.
We were going out to a special occasion and just as we were ready to leave my wife turned to me and said, “You’re not going to wear that tie with that jacket, are you?” Read More→
For Whom The School Bells Toll
Posted by: | Commentsby Rev. James L. Snyder
On Monday last there was a confusing cacophony swirling all around me. Usually, I’m not one to give vent to the noises around me but this was a little different. I like to pick sides but this time I’m not sure who to root for. Perhaps you can understand the confusion I am facing.
It is like being a Gator fan in Bulldog territory.
This uncertain sound has confused the dickens out of me, and it isn’t even Christmas time.
Looking out our living room window, I spotted the source of all this commotion. It was a yellow school bus filled with children on their way to their first day of school. As I watched the bus turn left and disappear out of sight, I thought about how the same incident can have completely opposite reactions.
First, there was the loud “hurrahs” of parents all through the community rejoicing in the commencement of school. Either, my hearing is getting better or the sound is getting louder, almost deafening. Up and down our street parents were high-fiving each other and smiling like they won the lottery. Even the lady across the street who has no children was out in her bathrobe joining in the celebration. Read More→
As summers go, this one is going
Posted by: | Commentsby Rev. James L. Snyder
During my high school career I was no thespian, however, I could act the fool when called upon. My friend was the thespian and starred in our senior high school play, “Finian’s Rainbow.” One of the musical numbers was, “When I’m not near the girl I love,
I love the girl I’m near.”
I have altered this title a little to fit my own needs. My version goes, “When I’m not in the season I love, I love the season I’m in.” It is a wonderful motto and has solved quite a few problems down the years. Just don’t ask me to sing it for you. I can, but you do not want to hear it… believe me.
At my age I have learned a thing or two. One of the things I have learned is that you might as well be content where you are at because that is where you are. All these people that are jumpy and nervous because they are not exactly where they want to be, waste a lot of precious time and energy.
I am old enough to appreciate where I am at. I could bemoan the fact that I’m not somewhere else, but what good would that do. I know I’m not at my destination yet, so I am determined to enjoy the journey and not miss one thing along the way.
This is the difference between the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and Yours Truly. Read More→
If the whole world were an Apple fritter who would need heaven?
Posted by: | CommentsBy Rev. James L. Snyder
When a person has reached the ripe old age I have reached there are precious few pleasures left. Actually, there are many pleasures left but no energy to pursue them and if I happen to catch a pleasure, I can’t remember what in the world I’m supposed to do with it.
One pleasure has been by my side for more years than I care to remember. No matter what the circumstances I may be in at the moment, I can always count on this pleasure to lift my spirits and paint a grin on my mug. Of course, if the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage catches me with this pleasure I have some real explaining to do.
This is where my wife and I paddle separate canoes.
The pleasure I am referring to has created more discussion – or maybe I should say monologues – in our home then just about anything else. I’m for it and she’s against it. In all reality, her arguments against it, at least in verbiage, far outweighs my argument for it.
When you come right down to it is very difficult to explain why you like the things that you like. My motto is, to each person his own pleasure. In this regard, we are not all created equal.
The pleasure I am speaking about is a lowly, but highly delicious, Apple Fritter. When God created the Apple Fritter, he sat down and said, “Uhm, um um that’s good.” And the world has never been the same since. Read More→