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But this is what you must do: Tell the truth to each other (Zechariah 8:16).

If you really loved me, you’d know what I was feeling.” “If I have to tell you what I’m thinking, I won’t do it.”

Have you ever said things like that to each other? It’s not uncommon for hurting spouses to expect their mates to know exactly what they’re feeling and why. It’s also very unrealistic. The truth is we can’t read each other’s minds. (Would you really want anyone to have complete access to your mental data files?)

The apostle Paul offers a wonderful alternative to the impossible task of reading minds: speaking the truth in love. He tells us to “put away all falsehood and ‘tell your neighbor the truth.’”

When we’re upset with our wife we should quit expecting our spouse to read our mind. Instead, we should say something like, “Dear, when you walked ahead of me through the mall, I felt unimportant to you.” Or, “when you criticized how I painted the eves, I felt unappreciated.” That will end the guessing game and let the reconciliation begin in your marriage. So what’s on your mind today?

—Bob Moeller
www.forkeepsconference.com

Adapted from: Marriage Minutes (Moody Press)

“God opposes the proud but gives Grace to the Humble” James 4:6

Our financial plans collapse. We suffer unexpected setbacks in our career. We have a house that won’t sell. How can we explain such difficulties in life? They may have a number of causes. But one overlooked explanation is our pride. The Bible teaches us that God opposes the proud. When pride enters our heart, He blocks our advance, frustrates our plans, and lets us spin our wheels. It all adds up to God saying, “I’m not letting you go anywhere until you humble yourselves before Me.”
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“Because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest’”

Preston worked two jobs. During the day he was a repairman; at night he was a security guard. Meanwhile Ashley took care of the kids all day and then worked the night shift as a dispatcher at the police station. They kept up this relentless schedule schedule for several years until the predictable finally happened - their marriage crashed and burned.
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Which of these statements is more dangerous to a marriage? “I’m so mad at you I can hardly speak to you.” “Do whatever you like. I don’t care anymore.”

If you guessed the second answer, you’re right. Although open conflict may be more immediately painful and unpleasant, a state of apathy and withdrawal is even worse in the long run.

Gifted author Willard Harley believes that all marriages move between three states: intimacy, conflict, and withdrawal. Intimacy involves focusing on each other’s needs and avoiding behaviors that irritate, annoy, or wound the other person. Conflict happens when we fail to meet each other’s needs and engage in upsetting behavior or speech. Withdrawal occurs when one or both spouses emotionally disengage from the relationship. Given time, that withdrawal can lead to separation or even divorce.

We were never designed to live in a state of permanent conflict or withdrawal from our spouses. If that’s where your marriage is today, you need to do the hard work of facing your issues and resolving your conflicts. The reward will be an intimate marriage that honors God, gives your kids the best start in life, and makes life worthwhile.

About the Author:

“Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah.  So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

The statistics tell a tragic story.  Two out of three children between birth and eighteen will spend at least a portion of their growing up years in a single-parent family.  The University of California tested fifth and sixth graders to see what causes them the most anxiety.  The top answers:  having parents separate or divorce, parents arguing with each other, and parents who don’t spend enough time with their children.  In a survey of high school students at graduation, 80 percent said that a happy and successful marriage is one of the most important goals in life.

It’s obvious that children in our time are desperately looking for love, security, and stability.  The primary source for those life-stabilizing elements is to be found in their home.

No two people on earth are better positioned to offer your children what they so deeply need.  Give them the gift that’s right for Christmas, their birthday, and even graduation.  Like Isaac of old, love the person you married.

About the Author:

It’s March Madness time and right now we are divided between UCLA and Kansas as a possible NCAA Champion. It’s getting pretty heated up about now.

While all these games are going on, I received a very serious letter from a friend who has a friend going through a divorce. I don’t know any more devastating experience in life than this very subject (not even the death of a spouse). My friend has the wonderful opportunity to turn March Madness in his friend’s life into a wonderful opportunity to minister healing to a hurting and broken brother (As Isaiah reminds us, "A bruised reed He will not break… a smoldering wick He will not snuff out").

I want you to know what I told this friend that he could share with his friend about turning this sorrow and confusion about divorce into something quite different. It all starts with a new attitude on the part of both spouses. If your relationship isn’t working then by all means get rid or it — but don’t get rid of your spouse. Change relationships; not spouses is the short form.

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We were making introductions at my college alumni dinner when I made a remark that embarrassed my wife.
  
To be more precise, it hurt her deeply.  As we drove home that night she explained her hurt to me.  There was no question about it - I needed to ask her forgiveness.  When I asked her to forgive me, she blinked back her tears, managed a smile, and then said, "I forgive you."  It was an act of pure mercy on her part.
 
She could have said, "OK, Bob, you did help clean the kitchen the other day. And you did take care of the kids for an hour while I went out.  So, all things considered, I guess I’ll let this one get by."  If she had forgiven me based on my merit, not her love, that would have been an act of justice, not mercy.
 
As married couples we can sometimes forget the difference between justice and mercy.  God Almighty does not treat us according to our wrongdoing, which would be justice.  Instead, He forgives according to our need - that’s mercy. We should offer the same to our spouse each day.
 
Jesus told us we’re to learn from God how to forgive.  The Cross satisfied God’s need for justice so God can now offer unlimited mercy. 

Will you let the Cross teach you how to give your wife the mercy she needs?
 
  
By Bob Moeller
 
Used by Permission. Excerpt from Marriage Minutes by Bob and Cheryl Moeller. (Moody Press, 2000)  Purchase Marriage Minutes online.

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Hunter and Haley have been married nearly ten years. They already have two preschoolers. To outsiders their marriage would appear to be a success, but not everything is as appearances suggest. Before they were married Hunter wanted to go overseas and teach English in a two-thirds world country. Haley resisted the idea, citing health concerns, poor pay, and the lack of good schools for their children. To accommodate his wife, Hunter reluctantly gave up his dream and has spent his career in a civil service position instead.

Today he finds himself struggling with anger and resentment toward her. He seems obsessed with the past, imagining what life could have been like it he had not listened to her. "If only," he says day after day to himself. "If only I had followed my heart."

Jack and Courtney have been married seven years. Jack comes home from work one day and finds the house strangely quiet. When he walks up to their bedroom, he discovers Courtney’s closet is empty. Bewilderment soon gives way to panic, and Jack begins furiously searching the house for some clue to what has happened. In his hunt, he at first misses the obvious - a note pinned to a throw pillow on the bed. Trembling, he picks it up and scans its contents.

"Dear Jack, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But it’s the only way I know to get your attention. I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time that I couldn’t go on with things the way they are. But you wouldn’t listen. Maybe now you will. Don’t try to contact me. Right now I just need space. Don’t worry about Lexi, I have her with me. Love, Courtney.

Jim and Jen are on the third day of their honeymoon in the Caribbean. Seated on the balcony of their hotel room overlooking the crystal-green ocean and coral white beaches, Jen believes it is an ideal setting for love. But Jim is unusually quiet.

"What’s wrong dear?" she asks, reaching out for his hand.

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The new trend in our society is working from home. Many women are leaving
the corporate world to come home and care for their families, but they
still desire to contribute financially. It can be challenging to work
from home, especially for women who have children to care for as well.
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