If you really loved me, you’d know what I was feeling.” “If I have to tell you what I’m thinking, I won’t do it.”

Have you ever said things like that to each other? It’s not uncommon for hurting spouses to expect their mates to know exactly what they’re feeling and why. It’s also very unrealistic. The truth is we can’t read each other’s minds. (Would you really want anyone to have complete access to your mental data files?)

The apostle Paul offers a wonderful alternative to the impossible task of reading minds: speaking the truth in love. He tells us to “put away all falsehood and ‘tell your neighbor the truth.’”

When we’re upset with our wife we should quit expecting our spouse to read our mind. Instead, we should say something like, “Dear, when you walked ahead of me through the mall, I felt unimportant to you.” Or, “when you criticized how I painted the eves, I felt unappreciated.” That will end the guessing game and let the reconciliation begin in your marriage. So what’s on your mind today?

—Bob Moeller
www.forkeepsconference.com

Adapted from: Marriage Minutes (Moody Press)

Our financial plans collapse. We suffer unexpected setbacks in our career. We have a house that won’t sell. How can we explain such difficulties in life? They may have a number of causes. But one overlooked explanation is our pride. The Bible teaches us that God opposes the proud. When pride enters our heart, He blocks our advance, frustrates our plans, and lets us spin our wheels. It all adds up to God saying, “I’m not letting you go anywhere until you humble yourselves before Me.”

We went through one particularly difficult period of life where we couldn’t understand why one calamity seemed to pile on another. We had to replace an engine and a transmission in our car; some of our kids got lice; and every major appliance in our home needed repair. At the end of this incredibly hard time we realized God had been working to break us. God was telling us it was time to pray. Only when we began to seek Him
together in brokenness and humility did the light break through in our lives once again.

We would never suggest all trouble in anyone’s life is caused by pride. But if we’re not praying and seeking God with all of our hearts, pride may very well have slipped into our lives. The remedy is to humble ourselves
before God this very hour. Seek His forgiveness. The choice between God’s opposition and God’s grace is clear to us. Which do you want?

About the Author:

Preston worked two jobs. During the day he was a repairman; at night he was a security guard. Meanwhile Ashley took care of the kids all day and then worked the night shift as a dispatcher at the police station. They kept up this relentless schedule schedule for several years until the predictable finally happened - their marriage crashed and burned.

They should have seen it coming. For years they had run red lights, living a lifestyle of exhaustion, fatigue, routine, boredom, and stress. And to all this the fact they never saw each other because of their split schedules. They made one unwise decision after another.

More and more couples are living this type of marginless lifestyle. Although the two of you may be able to make it work for a year, two years, or even longer, the day will come when it all collapses. Everything you’ve worked so hard to acquire will be lost to both of you.

Consider having one of you work from home. Consider downsizing so you don’t need to work so many hours.

Jesus has a better plan for your marriage than complete exhaustion and collapse. He was the one who said to His disciples, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

About the Author:

If you guessed the second answer, you’re right. Although open conflict may be more immediately painful and unpleasant, a state of apathy and withdrawal is even worse in the long run.

Gifted author Willard Harley believes that all marriages move between three states: intimacy, conflict, and withdrawal. Intimacy involves focusing on each other’s needs and avoiding behaviors that irritate, annoy, or wound the other person. Conflict happens when we fail to meet each other’s needs and engage in upsetting behavior or speech. Withdrawal occurs when one or both spouses emotionally disengage from the relationship. Given time, that withdrawal can lead to separation or even divorce.

We were never designed to live in a state of permanent conflict or withdrawal from our spouses. If that’s where your marriage is today, you need to do the hard work of facing your issues and resolving your conflicts. The reward will be an intimate marriage that honors God, gives your kids the best start in life, and makes life worthwhile.

About the Author:

The statistics tell a tragic story.  Two out of three children between birth and eighteen will spend at least a portion of their growing up years in a single-parent family.  The University of California tested fifth and sixth graders to see what causes them the most anxiety.  The top answers:  having parents separate or divorce, parents arguing with each other, and parents who don’t spend enough time with their children.  In a survey of high school students at graduation, 80 percent said that a happy and successful marriage is one of the most important goals in life.

It’s obvious that children in our time are desperately looking for love, security, and stability.  The primary source for those life-stabilizing elements is to be found in their home.

No two people on earth are better positioned to offer your children what they so deeply need.  Give them the gift that’s right for Christmas, their birthday, and even graduation.  Like Isaac of old, love the person you married.

About the Author:

While all these games are going on, I received a very serious letter from a friend who has a friend going through a divorce. I don’t know any more devastating experience in life than this very subject (not even the death of a spouse). My friend has the wonderful opportunity to turn March Madness in his friend’s life into a wonderful opportunity to minister healing to a hurting and broken brother (As Isaiah reminds us, "A bruised reed He will not break… a smoldering wick He will not snuff out").

I want you to know what I told this friend that he could share with his friend about turning this sorrow and confusion about divorce into something quite different. It all starts with a new attitude on the part of both spouses. If your relationship isn’t working then by all means get rid or it — but don’t get rid of your spouse. Change relationships; not spouses is the short form.



Why? Divorce ultimately solves nothing. Both of you will bring your same problems into the next marriage. Divorce is an option that creates more problems that it solves: statistically speaking the second marriage has even a smaller percentage chance of succeeding than the first. Divorce punishes the innocent: the true victims of divorce are the children. We as adults can always supposedly find another spouse but our kids can never find another mom or dad. Not like the one they just lost to divorce. Just ask a 30 or 40 or 50 year old man or woman whose parents divorced when they were young– chances are they are still grieving the loss (and always will).

The particular issues surrounding the divorce, while relevant, are actually secondary in importance to the real cause. The real cause of divorce is always the same — at least one, if not two hard hearts.

Jesus explained this as the cause of all marital breakdowns in Matthew 19:8 "Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning."

The good news is this: if hardened hearts destroy a marriage… softened hearts can heal one — every time, everywhere and with every one. (Please understand one softened heart can start the healing process — but it will ultimately take two softened hearts for reconciliation to occur.)

Your hearts were damaged and hardened long before you ever met. As my friend John Regier says, "None of us can change another person’s personality after age 20. So the problems you encounter with a person’s heart were already in place before you even married." In other words you did not create your mate’s heart issues so much as you inherited them.

Because your hearts were hurting and damaged you eventually learned how to step on each other’s pain with remarkable accuracy and effectiveness. Then, added to their pain, was the sinful response you inflicted on each other. As that process continued the pain of living together as a married couple became greater than the prospect of living apart — thus the divorce.

The answer is for the two of you to come back together in a spirit of humility and let God show you the reasons you have damaged and hardened hearts - and then let His grace and forgiveness heal you. This will inevitably involve forgiving the people from your past who hurt you. It will also require forgiving people from your present — including each other.

You will need to confess the fundamental sin problem of pride — the pride that says my pain is more important than yours. You will need to call sin - sin. You will need to ask Jesus to give you a heart of flesh to replace a heart of stone. You will need to commit to caring about each other’s heart as much, if not more, than you care about your own.

Again, the maddening problem is the relationship, not the other person. Change your relationship and suddenly you are married to a new person. That’s one reason why Jesus advised against divorce, "What God has joined together let not man separate."

Even though you are divorced (if you aren’t remarried) it’s not too late to get back together. The Word of God promises us, "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)."

About the Author:

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Will you let the Cross teach you how to give your wife the mercy she needs?
 
  
By Bob Moeller
 
Used by Permission. Excerpt from Marriage Minutes by Bob and Cheryl Moeller. (Moody Press, 2000)  Purchase Marriage Minutes online.

About the Author:

Today he finds himself struggling with anger and resentment toward her. He seems obsessed with the past, imagining what life could have been like it he had not listened to her. "If only," he says day after day to himself. "If only I had followed my heart."

Jack and Courtney have been married seven years. Jack comes home from work one day and finds the house strangely quiet. When he walks up to their bedroom, he discovers Courtney’s closet is empty. Bewilderment soon gives way to panic, and Jack begins furiously searching the house for some clue to what has happened. In his hunt, he at first misses the obvious - a note pinned to a throw pillow on the bed. Trembling, he picks it up and scans its contents.

"Dear Jack, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But it’s the only way I know to get your attention. I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time that I couldn’t go on with things the way they are. But you wouldn’t listen. Maybe now you will. Don’t try to contact me. Right now I just need space. Don’t worry about Lexi, I have her with me. Love, Courtney.

Jim and Jen are on the third day of their honeymoon in the Caribbean. Seated on the balcony of their hotel room overlooking the crystal-green ocean and coral white beaches, Jen believes it is an ideal setting for love. But Jim is unusually quiet.

"What’s wrong dear?" she asks, reaching out for his hand.

Jim feigns a smile. "Nothing, sweetheart."

"No, really, something’s bothering you. Please tell me what it is."

Jim looks away, a pained expression on his face. "I’ve been struggling the last few days. I…I’m not sure I should have married you, I just don’t know if I love you or not."

Jen stares at her new husband for a moment, then she runs inside the hotel room. Jim can hear muffled sobs. He feels awful for what he just said but it is true. At last his agony is out.

What do these three stories have in common? They’re stories of marriages that have gone from "the better" to the "the worse." They’re stories of people who need to learn to love each other again and to discover that God’s plan for their lives includes the person they married "for keeps."

Many people believe that lifetime love is only for the lucky or the strong. God’s design for marriage is for every couple to know true intimacy, deep fulfillment, and the exhilarating experience of being loved just for who they are.

Yes, the design for marriage and the reality of marriage often don’t match. Each year millions of couples choose divorce, adultery, or an armed truce as a means of coping with a disappointing marriage. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Is Love only for the Lucky? No, instead hope, love, grace, a fresh start, a second chance - these are the essentials of renewing a marriage when the going gets tough.

When Bob was in high school he worked nights as a janitor in the Department of Agriculture building. Besides cleaning bathrooms and emptying wastebaskets, he was assigned a highly critical task: buffing the tile floors on the perimeter of the office complex.

You might not be familiar with what a buffing machine looks like. It resembles an upright vacuum cleaner with handlebars and a giant circular disk on the bottom the size of a manhole cover. As the disk spins around at the speed of light, it polishes the floor.

Using only one finger, the foreman demonstrated the relative ease of operating this high-powered machine. He slid the machine effortlessly back and forth across the tile. Together, he and the buffing machine resembled an Olympic figure skating pair, gliding on ice, responding in perfect synchronization to each other’s moves.

"There they go, Katie. This is the last move in the compulsories. They’re going to attempt a double axle. Yes! They’ve done it! A perfect 10!"

"Do you think you can handle it?" the foreman asked.

"Piece of cake," Bob replied.

As the foreman waved good-night, Bob swaggered up to the machine like John Wayne approaching a horse. Bob grabbed both handles, closed his eyes, and squeezed the trigger. The machine bolted away from Bob like a crazed Doberman pinscher on a short leash.

Bob desperately tried to hang on as the machine careened from one side of the hallway to the other. It would bang into one side of the wall and then another. Bob consoled himself with the Russian proverb, "Every beginning is hard." In this case it was brutal.

Then the worst case scenario happened. As Bob went past the head supervisor’s office (the Grand Poobah of the Agriculture Department), his buffing machine leaped from the floor onto his carpet. Bob stood helpless, unable to react as the buffing machine whirled round and round, driving all the dirt, wax, and foreign particles from the hallway deep into the plush pile of the chief executive’s carpet. Bob buffed the boss’ rug! Stunned, he left from the office before he could do any further damage, dragging the machine with him.

The next day he came to work prepared to pick up his last paycheck. As he approached the foreman, a grin crept across his face. "I see you had a little problem last night."

"I guess it got away from me." Bob mumbled.

"Don’t worry. I cleaned it up before work this morning. The supervisor doesn’t know anything about it. You’ll get the hang of it."

For reasons Bob still doesn’t understand he was given a second chance when he really didn’t deserve one. That’s the nature of grace.

You may have been pummeled, punched, and dragged down the hallway by the disappointments in your marriage. The fabric of your relationship may be marred by deep, ugly, and stubborn memories. You may be all but certain it’s over. That’s where the power and strength of your vows can carry you through the tough times you’re facing. You can learn to love again. It’s not just luck.

Your promises to each other can put your marriage back on track. But to turn "for worse" into "for better" you will need to give and receive grace from one another. You will need to put the past behind and allow love to be rekindled. You will need to go beyond disappointment and despair and seek the beauty and reality of true intimacy. Fortunately, God is in the buiness of grace and will
help you each step of the way.

A friend of ours was going through a difficult phase in his marriage when he came home one day to find the oak coat rack standing in the middle of the hallway. His wife had covered it with yellow ribbons and placed on it a note that read, "Who cares if it’s not a real oak tree? Any old oak tree will do. I
love you." His encounter with her unconditional love was a breakthrough. From that day on, their marriage started to change, "for better."

On this St. Patrick’s Day remember love isn’t for the lucky, it’s for people of grace.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Bob and Cheryl Moeller - Bob is a very happy CWAHD.Bob is President of MarriageVine, a national marriage ministry dedicated to rekindling marriages. Bob and Cheryl have been happily married for 28 years and have 6 children ranging in age from 9 to 25. Bob has written seven books and together with Cheryl co-authored two books on marriage. The books include Marriage Minutes and For Better, For Worse, For Keeps.  Bob is a TV show host, appears weekly on
radio, and speaks nationally with his marriage conference www.forkeepsconference.com.

Is your wife is one of the growing number of work at home moms? Here
are ten key tips on supporting her:

1. Encouragement is key
Sometimes all that your wife needs in order to be successful with whatever
she is working on is a little encouragement. Often times she won’t
have anyone else around to give her the encouragement that she needs
and you may be the only person that can give her the encouragement
she needs.

2. Help with whatever she is doing
Depending on the business there may be extra work that could be done
by you. For example, with my wife’s website, Christian Work at
Home Moms (www.cwahm.com), she will often need someone to write a script,
setup an email account, or proofread a document. Some of the tasks
aren’t going to be the most glamorous but 5 minutes could save
your partner hours of time and added stress.

3. Be positive
It’s easy to be a positive influence on your wife and her business. Listen
to her when she talks about her business. Don’t put down her ideas
for business growth - help her think of new ideas to help her business
grow. Remember that just because she is working from home, that does
not make her business any less important or legitimate. If you are
a positive influence on your wife and take an interest in her business,
there’s no telling how big the business might grow! As wives, we need
our husband’s support and encouragement!

4. Watch the kids
Your wife is at home with the kids all day every day. Sometimes she is
going to need a chance to work with no distractions. If the kids are
constantly asking questions and bugging your wife she can’t get
anything done. Don’t wait to be asked. Be proactive and offer to
watch the kids.

5. Listen
Your wife might not have a large support system or other co-workers to
bounce ideas off of. She is going to need someone to talk to and more
importantly listen to the ideas she has. I think this goes hand in
hand with encouragement. You will need to listen and encourage, sometimes
that is all she needs.

6. Let her run the show
This is her job her business she gets to call the shots. I know that
the way my wife and I handle the business decisions is that she runs
all of her ideas by me and we mutually make the decisions. A lot of
the decisions can be costly and take a lot of time. Those decisions
should be made together but ultimately it isn’t your decision.

7. Be a part of the business
Many wives want their husbands to take part in their home business even
if it’s just helping to stuff envelopes. Taking the time to do even
small things like this will encourage your wife and show her that you
support her. If there isn’t a way to be directly involved with your
wife’s business, pick one day a week and do the dishes or another chore
that will free up some time for your wife to work at her business.

8. Don’t let her give up.
Most work at home moms will tell you that it takes 3-4 years to build
a successful business. It doesn’t happen overnight. When your wife
feels discouraged, listen to her and ask if she would like your input
on the situation. She will need your encouragement to stick with it.
We wives do not like to fail our husbands and we sometimes feel like
failures when our businesses are not doing well. Remind your wife of
the time that it takes to grow a business and that EVERY business has
times during the year when sales are slow.

9. Surprise her
This may not sound like a business tip, but a great way to help your
wife stay motivated is to bring her little “surprises” – flowers,
her favorite candy, a business supply that she can’t bring her
self to spend the money on. All of these are great ways to remind her
of your support.

10. Pray
Most importantly, this business is going to need prayer. Never underestimate
the power of prayer to help you get going and keep the whole project
rolling. If you aren’t talking to God on a regular basis it will
be very hard to stay on track.

By following these ten simple tips, you can help strengthen your wife’s
home-based business. She will appreciate your efforts and your marriage
will benefit as well. Supporting your work at home wife is one of the
best ways to show you care.

About the Author
Allen Hart is the founder of CWAHD.com, Christian Work at Home Dads.
CWAHD.com was designed to assist dads in their quest for a work at home
job or business. For more information and additional articles, visit
www.cwahd.com or contact Allen at info@cwahd.com.

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About the Author
Angie Lewis is the author of "Love The Man You Married", a women’s handbook
for marriage that brings back the greatest design for marriage there ever
was. Angie reveals the biblical secrets for the ideal marriage, from infidelity
to forgiveness, where each chapter desribes in detail the divinly inspired
answers for you to apply into your marriage.