Your child is special. There is no one just like him or like her in the whole world. Did you know that?

I hear that everyone has a twin somewhere. There may be someone who looks a lot like us, but we each have our own DNA and personality. It’s just a little bit of difference that makes us unique. I’m still amazed that of all the people in the world that have come and gone that are and will come, no one is just like my daughter and no one matches my son completely. And it’s their uniqueness that makes them so special.

We all ooh and ah over our newborns and look upon them as pretty special. But it’s when they grow older, and caring for them has taken a toll on us that we are tempted to put them aside a little bit. On days when a strong willed three year old enforces his ‘no’ by throwing your vase at the wall, or a five year old begs you to read ‘The Cat in The Hat’ for the umpteenth time, you may begin to take their specialness for granted.

But this is exactly when they need your unwavering love and affirmation. Good thing God loves us in our trying moments. He lets us know He loves us and He builds us up with His Word: He affirms us.

By affirming our children, we are teaching them how God feels about them. We are making the Bible real to them because the Bible is all about God and His relationship with us and with them.

There are many ways we can affirm or build up our children. I like the five steps of blessing Gary Smalley and John Trent use in their book, The Blessing.

They start with ‘meaningful touch’. Children crave to be touched. Your children yearn to be close to you; to have intimacy with you. As that special adult in their lives you are all-important to them. Holding them and hugging them, conveys to them that you are there for them.

When I was visiting my three year old grandson, Sam, this week, a thunderstorm broke out in the afternoon. He came running to me crying, “Protect me, protect me!” All he wanted was for me to hold him and make him feel safe. I was there in person with him and I would not have let anything hurt him. He knew that. But he needed to feel it.

It’s not only preschoolers who are blessed by your touch. Your kids’ hearts, no matter what age, are warmed by your touch. Touch communicates warmth, personal acceptance, and affirmation. At times my husband just casually puts his hand on our fourteen year old, six foot plus, grandson’s shoulder. Darian never fails to smile and his eyes light up. I’m confident this loving gesture lets Darian know he is unconditionally accepted by his grandpa.

In the Bible we read how Jesus blessed the children. He touched them. He laid His hands on them and took them up in His arms. This gives us an incredible picture of God’s tender love for little ones. He made them. He understood their need to be held, to be hugged. As we show affection to our kids they come to believe that others can love them too; even others, like God.

The second way of affirming your child is by words. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy, your child often becomes what you say he will be. If you put him down and say he will never amount to anything, he will begin to believe it. On the other hand, if you build him up and say amazing things about him he will know he can conquer the world.

We can take an example from God, the Father. When Jesus came up out of the water, after His baptism, His Father’s voice surrounded Him saying, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” God communicated His blessing through His spoken words, even to His Son, Jesus.

The third way is to place high value on your child. Be truthful and realistic with them but be their greatest fans. You can plant seeds in their outlook for life that will help them accomplish the things they really want to. Help them become competent by teaching them life’s skills. The patriarchs in the Old Testament gave their children - especially their oldest sons - a special family blessing. It confirmed to their children that God had a special plan of blessing for their life too. In fact that’s what all their planning was based on.

Bless your children - literally - when you pray with them-at the end of the day or in the morning- say “the Lord bless you.” Your child hears that you are there for them but if you fail, God has them covered. Everything is possible with God; He never fails. He will see them through in the times when human dads and moms fails. They learn that God is concerned with their life and welfare.

Fourthly, picture meaningful goals for your children, giving them not only hope but direction. We can’t predict our children’s future but we can give them a picture of what is out there and how they might fit in.

I loved my grade three teacher, Miss Reidiger. She boarded at our neighbor’s house, so I got to spend time with my teacher. She especially encouraged me in my reading. I was a good reader but when it was my turn to read in class I read way too fast. With her trust and praise I began to want to be like her. My desire to be a teacher just like her was planted in my heart that year. Now I had a purpose in life and all of my courses were geared toward that goal.

Finally, the fifth step to affirm your children is to make an active commitment to them. Help them become the best they can be, starting with a deep relationship with God, the foundation of you children’s lives. Get to know your children personally: their desires, needs, goals, hopes and fears. Then meet them where they are. Build them up where they are weak, praise them in their strengths, and get involved in developing them. It will take sacrifice on your part - a sacrifice of time, of energy and even finances.

Your children need you to affirm them. Your affirmation of them, blessing them, will profoundly impact them forever. The interaction with you will influence not only their self-image, their current relationships, and future relationships, but that all important relationship with God.

About the Author:

Ruth Willms is a Christian author and educator who teaches parents how to make Jesus part of their kids’ lives, everyday. If you found this article helpful, you can subscribe to her monthly newsletter at http://www.RuthWillms.com and discover more ways to make God’s love real to your kids.

I don’t know about you but I worried from day one how to raise my child to be responsible, caring, yet creative, independent and able to think for herself in this world where conformity is the norm.


Three children later, I have found some keys steps to help build a deeper relationship with your child and to help your child develop the building blocks to be who they are meant to be.

You see good kids are not born, they are raised. What you do with them and how you shape your home, their learning environment, is key to their development.

1. Expect Manners.

While standing in line at McDonalds with my children the other day I had a sense of joy while looking down at my children, who were, and I quote, starving, according to them, yet they waited patiently for their turn to order. Next to us were 3 children about the same age. The older two were running circles around the mother who was not only frazzled but trying to control the younger child who was having a full blown temper tantrum on the floor. Believe me, my children are by no means angels. Like all children, they have their moments when they lack self control, don’t we all?

Yet, when we are in a social situation, the limits are stated as well as the consequences of their choices. My husband and I both expect our children to be polite, respectful to adults and to use their pleases and thank yous. High and consistent expectations create well mannered children and less stressed parents.

2. Model the behavior you want your children to display.

If you don’t model and explain why you do what you do, your children will look to society, their friends and TV for a model.

Children are like clay and need to be formed. You need to take the time to work with your children, to get to know them and to explain why you pray before a meal, why you don’t use swear words, even though your neighbors do, and why they need to earn the money they receive. Then be consistent with your behaviors.

Children who see their parents reading, become readers. Readers become leaders. Children who see their parents treating each other with respect, will in turn feel safe and will model respect and kindness with their siblings as well as their future spouses. Making an investment in your children from the beginning, the rewards will be great as they grow up!

3. Turn off the TV.

The only TV our children watch is Public Television programming right before our schooling.

While on a trip, we stayed at a hotel and after exploring, swimming and eating, we turned on the TV. I was shocked at the language being used, the assortment of programming available, and what was being offered. Call me a prude. You may have all ready. I want to be raising our children, not a time robber, mind numbing machine like the TV. Think about this, how often do you talk with your children when they are watching TV?

Read a book, work on a project together, do a puzzle, or do chores together. Turn off the TV and allow your children to think!

4. Look, listen and bend.

When you speak with your child ask them, do you need my eyes or my ears? My 5 year old will grab my face so I am looking at him when he needs to ask me a question.

My girls, 7 and 9, will often ask a question while I am making dinner and will let me know if they need my eyes, to have me look at them, or my ears, to keep working but to really listen and respond. Take the time to get eye to eye and nose to nose.

How do you feel when you are not being listened to?

I have found with my own children that they act up more when I am not taking the time to really listen with not only my body but also my mind. Take time to listen and really get to know your children when they are young so they will talk with you when the issues get more difficult as they get older.

5. Allow children to express their feelings within boundaries.

First of all, define your boundaries.

What do you do when you are angry, frustrated or happy? Children will model you. They are watching and following not only what you do but what you say and how you say it.

In our home, we build up. Tearing down is not allowed. When I get mad, and I do, I talk my way through it and share what I do to get my self through it.

You see, we all have choices. Children have choices as to how they react as well. If they only see our poor choice, that is what they will model. If you take the time to talk about positive ways to handle challenges and truly, laugh more, your children will do the same.

Allow positives, not negatives. Words like can’t, don’t, won’t and even boring are not allowed in our home. When water spills at the dinner table, we talk about what they need to do to fix it themselves.

When my cell phone gets dropped into the toilet, after breathing and counting to 10, we talk about what needs to be done now and next time.

I wish for you that you develop a philosophy of no problem is too big for us to handle- together, in your home as well.

6. Strong, Consistent, and Unified parenting is a must.

If you are married, work hard at your marriage. Show your love for each other by hugging, and when fighting, fight fair!

If you are a single parent, make sure you are positive about your ex-spouse and their family as well. As humans our first need is to feel safe and loved. If your home is full of turmoil, this is affecting your children.

As a married couple, put your relationship with your spouse before the children. Yes, that is right. When your children see that they are not the center of the household and that their parents love each other, they have the freedom to relax and be kids.

7. Allow your children to develop their gifts and talents not those you want them to have.

Your children may or may not enjoy what you enjoy or be good at what you used to be good at. You are truly their guide on the side, to provide opportunities and experiences so they can decide for themselves what they enjoy and what they are good at.

Each child, just like each adult, has a gift. Children are not our vessels to live out our dreams. Have fun watching your child become who they are designed to be, to live out their purpose on this earth.

Enjoy the process, enjoy your child for who they are, and expect only the best and enjoy the time of your life with the precious gifts with which you have been blessed!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Kelly Wissink, has been building a successful business from home after leaving the teaching field.

She and her husband Curt, have 3 creative and fun loving children who are becoming budding entrepreneurs as well. Please visit their family business at http://www.SoyandBeyond.com .

*Need help with organization? Please help yourself to a free e-book by Kelly by sending a blank email to freee-book@aweber.com.

My wife and I have had a great deal of experience, both in our own homeschooling and in relating to other homeschooling families. One of the more serious things we have dealt with is the concern of parents over the behavior of their children in public. Of course we should train our children to interact well with others or to exhibit Christian values. Those are good things. The problem comes when the behavior concerns have little to do with the children


Raising kids is not about you. It’s about them. This is serious. I have seen so many homeschool parents greatly bothered about the things their kids do because of what people at church or in the community will think. But they aren’t worried about what these folks will think of the kids. They are worried about what they will think of the parents. "Kids wouldn’t act like that if they had good parenting!" Heaven forbid that the children should embarrass the parents in front of others. You would think that child-raising is all about the parents. It isn’t.

Kids learn differently and they act differently. They react differently to situations and they think differently about life. If you try to make your kids all the same, you are doing them a disservice. If you try to make them like other people’s kids, you are probably hurting them. One wiggles while he learns. One has to have noise, so she sings or hums. Another cares so much about others that he can’t focus on his own work.

These aren’t bad things - they are just different. Work them out, but don’t rob your kids of their individuality. And, guess what: they are probably different from you… and that’s ok too. This isn’t about you.

Let me say it this way: God could raise kids in the woods someplace and bring them out fully developed as adults. He doesn’t. Instead, He puts them in families to be raised. The only reason I can think of is that He has something to teach parents. So be humble and learn from your kids.

As you interact with your children you will learn fairly quickly that they think different than you. Suddenly you have to find a way to communicate with someone else, especially if you want to teach that person. There is great adventure and even joy in finding new ways to teach your children - and you will learn a lot in the process. If you try to force them to learn your way, you not only make it harder for them but you also make it harder and less enjoyable for you. And, believe it or not, you will become a better person because you will have learned to value someone’s differences and you have developed the ability to listen.

A Final Note

Remember that the Lord already loves you. You can’t do anything to make Him love you more than He already does. You are already accepted by Him and acceptable to Him. He doesn’t want you to work harder; He wants you to rest in Him. He wants you to be confident in what He has done, not try to add to what He has done. A failure here and there does not change His love for you, nor is He ever disappointed with you. He knows exactly how things will work out and He has always known and He has always loved you.

Listen: He loves your kids more than you do. He cares about their lives and the success of their jobs and marriages and all. But He cares more about their hearts. He wants them to know that He is not a bully, not a Judge who is waiting to get them. He wants them to know that He loves them. Be sure that you tell your kids about His love for them and be sure that you are secure in His love for them. He may allow them to take a path that brings concern for you, but He will never turn His back on them. You can trust Him.

You see, discouragement comes from thinking that you have to do something or be something that seems unreachable. You run through your day - cleaning, scolding, motivating, teaching, cooking, and all the hundreds of other things - and you can’t see progress. All you can see is that the goal is still far away. But the goal isn’t perfect children who move the world. The goal is happy children who are secure in the Lord’s love and are able to navigate through life with Christ as their center. It doesn’t matter what others think or how well others do. It only matters that, ultimately, your children remember the love of the Lord and the love of their parents.

Relax - you are probably doing better than you think!

c David Orrison, PhD

(This is the first in a series of brief articles on homeschooling discouragement. Read the entire article and find more encouragement at www.gracefortheheart.org)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr. David Orrison has been a homeschooling dad for nearly 25 years. He and his wife, Alice, have 8 sons. He has been a pastor for nearly 30 years and is now the director of Grace for the Heart, a ministry designed to proclaim the sufficiency of Jesus Christ in all areas of the Christian life.

First, stop comparing yourself with others. They are not doing as well as they pretend. Many of the homeschool moms I have counseled were held up as examples for others… but they were struggling themselves! Few people want to be considered "whiners" so they put on a brave face and try to make the children behave in public. Sometimes it sends the message that things are always this good. They aren’t. We are taught to put a positive spin on the things in our lives, particularly the spiritual things, and so we tell positive things about our families. That’s fine, but it means that only one part of the truth is presented.

Comparisons are always hurtful, either to you or to others (and sometimes to both). I can guarantee that there is someone out there who wishes her family would be as good as yours. It is just the nature of the thing. You can always find something that will make you feel guilty and you can almost always find something to make yourself feel better than someone else. But don’t. It isn’t a game that you really win.

Some people get into homeschooling because of comparisons. They hope their children will "turn out as good as Susie’s". When they see other children sitting so orderly at the restaurant or at church and they hear how respectful those children are, these parents just know that homeschooling could do the same for their own kids. Not necessarily.

I have known kids who sat quietly at church only because of the intense fear of what would happen later if they wiggled. Is that what you want your children to think about in church? Other parents maintain very orderly lives themselves and that order is simply passed on to the children. I have known homes where the soup cans are arranged in alphabetical order on the shelves. It works for them… but not for most of us.

God has made us different from others. You can’t compare yourself with others because you don’t have the background they had or the perspective on life they have. I am not an engineer and I don’t think like most engineers. If I were to compare my way of handling money, for example, with that of some engineers I know, I could get discouraged. They always know where they stand and they always seem to have more and better things. But the truth is that most of the engineers I know make much more money than I do and still they log the miles driven each day by their children and budget everything religiously. This isn’t bad, of course, but it is different… and it makes comparisons almost impossible.

You don’t win the comparison game. Someone will always do something better than you. You will have to come to the understanding that your acceptance, especially with the Lord, is not founded on how well you do. His grace is given because of our need, not because of our strength or competence.

Love your children and don’t compare them to "Susie’s". Let them be who they are supposed to be. Follow the Lord and keep your focus on Him. You will find love and acceptance and encouragement in Him.

c David Orrison, PhD

(This is the first in a series of brief articles on homeschooling discouragement. Read the entire article and find more encouragement at www.gracefortheheart.org)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr. David Orrison has been a homeschooling dad for nearly 25 years. He and his wife, Alice, have 8 sons. He has been a pastor for nearly 30 years and is now the director of Grace for the Heart, a ministry designed to proclaim the sufficiency of Jesus Christ in all areas of the Christian life.

Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to kick and scream will disappear. Many times our children kick and scream simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can be enough to help them begin to regulate. The life lesson that kicking and screaming is inappropriate does indeed need to be reinforced. But, this life lesson can only happen once the child is fully regulated (when the child is calm) and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to kicking and screaming. This is a way of teaching our children instead of punishing them. The definition of discipline is to teach. The more we can stay focused on the relationship with our child and strengthening this relationship instead of controlling it through consequences, the more we will be helping our child learn to work through their stress appropriately. Below are five pointers to help you stay in a loving and emotionally open place for your children:

Just Be Happy!-But I’m not! Did anyone ever tell you, "Just think happy thoughts and it will be okay."? Did it really work? Probably not. Emotions do not simply disappear. If feelings are not released and acknowledged, they are stored and become part of our physical make-up. Research has convincingly shown that being able to express feelings like anger and grief can improve survival rates in cancer patients. With our children, feelings that become stored and "stuffed" become activators for negative behaviors.

ALL Feelings are Good Feelings - As parents, it is important for us to understand the necessity of emotional expression, both in teaching it to our children and in modeling it to our children. Blocked feelings can inhibit growth, learning, and the building of a trusting relationship between the parent and child. The first step to take is to recognize that ALL emotions are healthy. In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as bad feelings. Let’s rethink this to understand that it is not the feeling itself that creates negativity; it is the lack of expression of the feeling that creates negativity. And in children, this negativity is often expressed through poor behaviors.

Getting to the Core of the Behavior - When children are acting out and being defiant, we need to begin to understand that their behaviors are simply a communication of an emotional state that is driving these behaviors. If we simply address the behavior, we miss the opportunity to help children express and understand themselves from a deeper level. Start by modeling basic feeling words to your child. Keep it simple and teach the five basic feeling words: sad, mad, bad, scared, and happy. Even the youngest of children can learn to say, "I’m mad!" When the toddler is throwing his toys or the teenager is throwing his backpack across the room, encourage him at that moment to get to the core of the behavior through emotional expression. Remember…it really isn’t about the toys or the backpack; and they really do know better than to do the negative behaviors.

Responding vs. Reacting - So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply "ugly" to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child. Respond to your child in an open way-open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors. He doesn’t need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him. As your children learn to respond back to you through the parent-child relationship, they won’t have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore. You’ll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime.

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

Heather Forbes, LCSW, is the co-founder of the Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC. Ms. Forbes has been training in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. She has been active in the field of adoption with experience

ranging from pre-adoption to post-adoption clinical work. Ms. Forbes is an internationally published author, with her most recent book titled, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, endorsed by Sir Richard Bowlby, son of John Bowlby. As a speaker, her passion for families is known throughout the nation. Ms. Forbes consults and coaches both nationally and internationally with families

struggling with children with severe behaviors. Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and attachment related issues has come from her direct mothering experience of her two adopted children.

In this article I will make many references to the brain/body system rather than to solely the brain or the body. My belief is that the brain and body are inseparable, and work in harmony with one another. For instance, when you feel panic, your brain sends a signal through your body, your pulse accelerates and your body temperature fluctuates. It is with this fundamental knowledge of brain and body behavior that I have been able to pioneer an approach to family treatment that has proven to be highly successful and mutually rewarding to both parent and child. I hope my interpretations will assist you in your task of parenting your child more effectively.

Stress is a common occurrence in daily life. It is an unavoidable natural aspect of our existence. In a healthy situation stress activates the brain/body system to protect, assist, work, live and love. Stress can be the driving force behind our basic need to achieve a healthy state of well-being. When stress becomes prolonged, overwhelming, or chronically unpredictable; it transforms itself into trauma. If stress becomes pervasive, uninterrupted, or out of control; damage can occur to the brain/body system. Consequently, the brain may become unable to shield itself against this bombardment of stress. Once the brain senses that an environmental threat, such as abuse, is unpredictable or overwhelming, the brain will make the necessary adaptations to defend itself. Those adaptations usually manifest themselves in the form of extreme sensitivity, aggression and disconnecting.

When an adopted child has experienced trauma in her early formative years, she is left with a very scared monster lurking inside her brain/body system that I call the "Beast." Though ghastly and threatening in appearance, this Beast is simply a terrified creature that is constantly on guard, trying to defend the "Beauty" hidden beneath the Beast. The Beast is with her always, waiting for the time when the child feels threatened or afraid. It is at this moment that the Beast roars to life. Seemingly out of nowhere, the Beast erupts from within and Beauty is nowhere to be found.

Adopted children who have experienced early, recurrent trauma are, by their very nature, sensitive children. They are often more sensitive than biological children, but until recently, not much thought has gone into why this occurs. For these children, the initial break from their biological parents is an area that has received scant attention from the scientific community in the past. Recent research has shown that this initial break is, in fact, traumatic to the infant’s brain/body system. Regardless of the environment in which the child is placed, the physiological break from the biological parent is an overwhelmingly stressful event. Such an event could be compared to the terror a small child may feel when he finds himself suddenly lost in the middle of the shopping mall. An immediate sense of panic pervades, the parent is lost amongst all of the other shoppers and the child feels scared, alone, and helpless! Even the comfort of a stranger is only reassuring to the extent that the child may momentarily stop crying. However, in this type of situation, the parents are eventually found, and the child is restored into the calm containment of his parents’ arms. For the adopted infant who has been removed from his biological parents, his cry is the signal of his immense pain and fear. Therefore, when the cry of that infant quiets we naturally assume that he is comforted. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case for this child. As we examine the impact of early stress on the brain /body system, consider the implications of such an experience.

The extraordinary sensitivity demonstrated by an adopted child stems from her early exposure to stress, which has usually resulted in trauma. As the brain/body system continues to be bombarded by traumatic events such as loss of a biological parent, neglect, abuse, lack of physical contact or in utero drug exposure; it adapts itself to this stressful environment. The brain/body system will work diligently to protect itself from any future harm. We must remember that the threat/stress sensor inside the brain is fear-based. This means the immediate primary emotion of the human species is, in general, that of fear. As the exposure to threat and stress continues, the brain/body system responds in a manner similar to persistent terror. Over a period of time, the stress-producing events may diminish or even cease, but by this time it is probably too late. The brain/body system has adapted and is prepared to react. If the exposure to trauma has occurred during the period between conception and thirty-six months, the brain pathways form around the negative adaptation, locking into place a highly sensitive brain state, in order to be on guard against future threat. Hence, the Beauty becomes the Beast anytime she feels threatened or scared. The fear response can begin in a millisecond and can be triggered through any of the sensory pathways (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell, or temperature).

With this new understanding of the brain/body system and its effects on your child’s behavior, you should be able to see your child from a new perspective that is rarely offered. A screaming, kicking, biting child should no longer be viewed as an angry, out of control child; but rather, a child who is scared by some trigger within his immediate environment and is solely dependent on the stress reactions his brain/body system has learned from exposure to early trauma. Research demonstrates that in times of high stress, our cognitive thinking becomes greatly distorted, leaving us susceptible to high states of emotional arousal with little clear thought. Therefore, in addition to having a child who is highly dependent on his learned stress-response, you also have a child who is incapable of demonstrating the ability to have clear and effective cognitive thinking in the midst of feeling threatened.

In closing, I would like to add that when parenting an adopted child it is imperative to consider traumatic experience or exposure and its subsequent effect on your child. A view focused solely on child behavior will lead to feelings of parental rejection, blame and helplessness; undoubtedly causing the same feelings within the child. I encourage you to work diligently to view your child from the perspective that her brain/body system is creating a constant sense of threat or even terror within her. From this perspective, I am certain that you will come to a deeper understanding of your child’s behavior and you will be equipped to take the steps necessary in making her feel less threatened. In doing so you will assuredly create an environment of increased security and acceptance, resulting in a calmer state of the brain/body system, which will in turn diminish negative behavior.

B. Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW is the founder co-founder of the Beyond Consequences Institute based in Orlando, FL, and the co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors. He is an internationally recognized specialist in the treatment of emotional and behavioral disturbances in children and families. Dr. Post specializes in a holistic family-based treatment approach that addresses the underlying interactive dynamics of the entire family, a neurophysiologic process he refers to as, "The secret life of the family." An adopted, and well-known disruptive child himself ("I’ve set fires, killed animals, and stolen compulsively. There is great benefit in learning through the painful lessons of others."), Dr. Post’s has made it his primary work to speak to parents and professionals from a perspective of true-life experience, and in the ‘trenches’ therapeutic work. More information can be found on Dr. Post at: www.beyondconsequences.com

An intentional parent is not a perfect parent
(none of us fall into that category); rather, it is a parent who has “mentally
determined upon some action or result related to parenting.” The key is
“mentally determined” since every good habit starts with a mental decision. I
don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a single good habit I have that just
happened. An intentional parent is an “on purpose” parent.

As parents, our greatest tendency is to react
to our children rather than plan in advance. To complicate it even further, we
acknowledge this tendency yet do little about it. What does this say about us as
parents? The question we need to grapple with is why do we tend to continue down
the same unintentional path? There are at least three practical reasons I have
identified in my own life that make it difficult for me to be an intentional
parent: vision, know-how and accountability. See if you can identify with any of
them.

Our biggest obstacle starts in the mind — we
simply don’t take the time to contemplate what hangs in the balance. To state it
another way, we really have not taken the time to understand and embrace what is
gained and what is lost by investing in our children as intentional parents.
Most of us would agree, upon reflection, more is to be gained by taking an
intentional approach to parenting our children. So, action step number one for
becoming an intentional parent is to imagine what you want your relationship to
be like with your child and what his or her relationships will be like with
others once your child has reached adulthood. Add to that the legacy you want to
leave and you start to catch a glimpse of what hangs in the
balance.

I imagine my children growing up one day and
investing their lives in their own family and those around them. Can that happen
if I never invest time with them? Of course, but chances are they will be more
apt to do it and more effective at it if I invest in them as young children.
When Emily, our now 11 year old, was younger and wanted to play Old Maid when
the football game was on, my first thought was “not during the game.” As I look
back now, I can say some of my funniest and fondest memories were playing a
simple card game like Old Maid with our girls. It is amazing what you can teach
a child about life during a basic game of Old Maid.

Our next challenge is lack of know-how. We
have very little idea of what an intentional parent looks or acts like. In
short, we are missing a plan. It is a bit like driving in a foreign country
without a map or directions of any sort. You may eventually reach the
destination but the frustration and loss of time makes the journey miserable and
it is rarely worth the price. The solution is easy but it takes time. Research,
read, utilize resources like Focus on the
Family and survey your friends, especially those with grown children. One
good resource can launch your journey to becoming an intentional parent. For me,
it was a book by Tim Kimmel entitled Legacy of Love.

Being an intentional parent requires changing
your strategy and approach as your child changes. If you are like I was early in
my parenting I wanted to discover the know-how or “program” that worked,
implement it and expect everything to fall neatly into place. I soon discovered
the “neatly into place” part was a hurdle. I remember one particular airplane
ride before we had our first daughter, Nicole. I was stuck next to a screaming
child; you know, the one who never stops screaming the entire flight. I still
hear myself saying, “I can’t believe they are not able to control their child.
My child will never act like that in public.” Famous last words, right? Fast
forward to my first airplane ride with Nicole when she was about six months old.
It was a piece of cake — not a peep out of her the entire time. Everyone was so
complimentary and a proud Dad I was. I had the program figured out or so I
thought until my second airplane ride with Nicole near her one year birthday. To
say it was miserable and embarrassing would be an understatement. From the time
the plane took off she started screaming and I was reduced to a helpless Dad —
duped by a one year old. Some program on “how you should act in public” I had!
My child had changed — it was time for a new strategy.

Once you have your vision and plan in place
you are faced with implementation. Every parent understands the daily challenges
of raising a child as life speeds by us like a NASCAR race. In my own life it is
here in the daily battle that I have discovered the importance of
accountability. My wife is the best intentional parent I know. She made a
decision early in the lives of our children (Nicole is 14 and Emily is 11) to
empower her friends to hold her accountable in her role as an intentional
mother. As a result, when inertia begins to pull her away from intentional
parenting her friends remind her of the vision, the plan and of what hangs in
the balance. This accountability enables her to course correct and to escape
falling “out of the habit” of intentional parenting. Who have you allowed into
the center of your life to ask you the difficult questions and to challenge you
to be an intentional parent?

Having a vision with know-how and even
accountability means nothing unless and until we act. Actions require
energy and time which, for busy people, always feels in short supply. If
you are like me, fear and self-centeredness are oftentimes a big hindrance to
being an intentional parent. A sense of scarcity and the lack of understanding
of the consequences of inaction allow fear and self-centeredness to rule and
block our otherwise good intentions. What will I need to give up in the way of
time and energy to deliver in this area of my life? What will it cost me
personally? It takes courage to be an intentional parent. So, what do you think
— is it worth your child’s future and your legacy to become an intentional
parent? Will you muster the courage it takes to impact a
life?

I know what you are thinking — where are all
of the action steps, the secrets, the plan? Well, right now Emily needs help
with her homework so more on the know-how will need to wait. Keep your eye out
for the next article at www.CourageTheMonkey.com.
Intentional parenting calls.

Copyright
© 2006, Mark T. Jordan. All rights reserved.

Back-to-school time can be exciting as both parents and children look
forward to the upcoming academic year. However, it can also be a very
expensive time of the year, as Mom and Dad buy new clothes, supplies and
accessories for each of their school-aged children. Here are ten tips
for keeping down the cost of starting another school year.

1. It is easy to get caught up in the excitement of the new school year
and overspend on school supplies. Before you buy anything, evaluate all
of last year’s supplies to see what your child can reuse. Things
like backpacks, rulers, scissors, and three-ring binders may not need
to be replaced.

2. While you check out last year’s supplies, also take a quick
inventory of what you have around the house. Many businesses give away
promotional items such as pens, pencils, highlighters and other freebies
that your child can put to good use at school.

3. Yard sales are a great source for low-cost school supplies. In the
weeks before school starts, watch for gently-used backpacks, lunchboxes,
and binders. You may also find folders, markers, and other common supplies
your child will need.

4. Don’t forget about the possibility of shopping secondhand for
school clothes. It’s not uncommon to find brand new garments with
their original price tags still attached at yard sales and thrift stores.
Even shopping at consignment stores is less expensive than buying everything
at full-price from retail stores.

5. Although you may be tempted to get a jumpstart on shopping for school
supplies, keep in mind that you won’t know exactly what your children
need until they get supply lists from their teachers. Unless you find
bargains too incredible to pass up, save yourself some frustration by
waiting to do all your shopping until you have those lists in hand.

6. Dollar stores are also a good source for school supplies. However,
be careful to compare prices. Make sure you don’t pay more at a
dollar store than you would by shopping at the major chains’ back-to-school
sales.

7. Speaking of sales, the super-low prices you will find now on school
supplies are usually the best you will see all year. Take full advantage
of these prices by stocking up. You know your kids will need paper, erasers,
crayons, and glue throughout the year. Save yourself some money later
by buying and stashing away a year’s supply now.

8. If you want to get the best deals but don’t want to drive all
over to get them, do your back-to-school shopping at a store that offers
price matching. Many major chains will match any advertised sale price
on items they have in stock. Just look through all the store circulars
to find the best prices on the supplies your child needs. Then bring the
competitors’ sale flyers to a store that matches prices so you can
get the best sale prices without the extra driving.

9. Backpacks can be expensive, but look at it as an investment. A good
quality pack will cost more initially than a cheap one, but will save
you money in the long run by lasting through several school years.

10. Set a budget for back-to-school spending. What your children want
and what they actually need may not be the same thing. Make a rule that
you will pay for the clothes and supplies that they truly need, but they
must use their allowances for the extras.

———————-
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Nancy Twigg is the editor of Counting the Cost, a free online newsletter
about simple and frugal living. To learn more about making your dollars
stretch, visit Nancy online at www.countingthecost.com/index1.htm

What is the solution? Limit television viewing. Move the TV out of you
kids’ rooms. Be involved in what they are watching.

Okay. We move the television into a common and give our kids time limits.
Now what? A comment I hear often when people ask me about the Tokens for
TV program is what do my kids do now? Our kids are so used to being plugged
in they don’t know what to do. They’re bored.

It doesn’t matter if your children are 6 or 16, the answer is the
same. It’s time to teach our kids how to play again. Having a time
for quiet and play are important life skills. How else will their imagination
start working on its own again?

Start with the following ideas to help your kids in their unplugged play:

• Play a game. Dig out your board games. Checkers, Chess, Monopoly
and Sorry! are all great games.
• Dig out the playing cards. Go Fish, Old Maid, War… There
are even other specific card games such as Uno out there. You can also
teach your children how to play solitaire.
• Be a bookworm. Go to the library in your home or your community.
Scour the thrift shops and yard sales. Be a part of a book exchange. There
are also some great audio books available at the library. You can also
purchase audio books at thrift stores, department stores and online.
• Hands-on fun. Bring out the clay or play dough. Your teenagers
may roll their eyes at this one too, but you would be surprised at how
they will sit down and keep themselves entertained with this one. (And
you don’t have to go out and buy your dough – have them help
you make a batch. A recipe is included below.)
• Build something. LEGO’s, Lincoln Logs and K’nex. How
many of our kids still have these in the back of their closet? Don’t
have these construction pieces? Try creating structures using toothpicks
and connecting them together with green peas. Sounds funny, but it works!
As the structures dry they become sturdier and you can keep them around
for awhile.
• Go outdoors. Outdoor games like marbles, jacks, hopscotch not
only occupy your kids, they will also strengthen coordination skills.
Too hot or cold out? The garage, basement and/or kitchen floors will work
fine too.
• Become an outdoor artist. Buy a tub of colored chalk from the
local discount store and give your kids a theme to create their own masterpieces
on your front or back sidewalks. Take pictures of them for your family
album.

Are these new ideas? Of course not. But when our kids are given a choice
of any of these “offline” activities or the chance to plug
in to their TV or games, what are they going to choose? When you unplug
your kids, they will learn how to play again simply because they have
nothing else to do. They will find other activities to keep themselves
entertained.

Be prepared for a little bit of whining or frustration on your kids’
part. It’s normal. It’s so much easier to sit in front of
a screen with mindless entertainment. It won’t take long and your
kids will be able to find other things to do instead of plugging in and
tuning the world out.

* * * * * * *

There are many variations of homemade play dough. The Internet or any
kid’s craft book are great resources if you would like more ideas.
There are edible versions as well (less clean up!). The following recipe
contains items commonly found in most kitchens.

UNCOOKED SALT DOUGH
Ingredients:
3 cups of flour
1/4 cup of salt
1 tablespoon of cooking oil
1 cup of water
food coloring (liquid is best)

Instructions:
1. Mix flour and salt together in a large bowl.
2. Add water and oil slowly.
3. Add desired amount of food coloring.
4. Store dough in air tight container.
Add water (a little at a time) if dough is too stiff. If dough is too
sticky, add more flour.

———————-
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Lisa Workman is the author of Tokens for TV: A Sensible Approach to Balancing
Television, Video Game and Computer Activities. How much time does your
child spend “plugged in” to some sort of electronic device?
Get your FREE worksheet at
www.tvtokens.com